21st Century Bully: Resistance Is Futile

Friends of mine in the literary community are embroiled in a harsh, long-standing battle of words with a bully, who I will call Mr. X. (I will keep real names out of this discussion in order to avoid fanning the flames of this imbroglio. It is the underlying psychological nature of this conflict that interests me, so names are unnecessary.) Mr. X is a man who demonstrates many of the traits of megalomaniac paranoia. The community has been unable to develop a successful strategy for defusing the conflict, so the question is: What does one do to thwart an online bully?

Mr. X runs an influential website, which he uses to publicize events and to publish gossip and his brand of literary criticism. Both in person and in his voluminous writing, Mr. X engages in a variety of malevolent behaviors, including: the distortion of facts and outright lying, ad hominem attacks and verbal abuse of numerous individuals, procuring web domains for the express purpose of diverting traffic from other legitimate literary sites, scheduling live reading events to conlict with events run by his perceived "adversaries" and organizing boycotts of events or journals that he has disagreements with.

In short, Mr. X does everything in his power to control, exclude and divide members of the local literary community. I hesitate to refer to him as being a member of that community, because the people he abuses are not his peers. He writes lies and injurious gossip about people who are actually writing and publishing their work, while he is essentially a hobbyist. He dabbles in the art form but spends a lot of his time slamming people whose work is far more successful than his own.

According to Random House Dictionary, paranoia is a "mental disorder characterized by systematized delusions and the projection of personal conflicts, which are ascribed to the supposed hostility of others, sometimes progressing to disturbances of consciousness and aggressive acts believed to be performed in self-defense or as a mission."

American Heritage puts it this way: Paranoia is a "psychotic disorder characterized by delusions of persecution with or without grandeur, often strenuously defended with apparent logic and reason." Colloquially, it is an "extreme, irrational distrust of others."

Wikipedia's entry is: "(T)he term paranoid addresses a range of mental conditions...in which the subject is seen to generalize or project fears and anxieties onto the external world, particularly in the form of organized behavior focused on them".

If one reads the content of Mr. X's websites or his comments on other people's blogs, his paranoia is obvious. One after another, he chooses individual writers to be the focus of his delusional attention. He accuses people of excluding him from readings or of sabotaging his efforts to promote his events. He personally attacks people based on their gender, political persuasion and body size, while claiming that other performance events are racist or elitist. All of these behaviors are the result of his projections, for the reality is that no one has done him any harm. He regularly accuses others of perpetrating the deeds he acts out against them.

When people respond to his accusations directly Mr X exhibits a level of violent defensiveness that is overly exaggerated and dramatic. He can reduce a rational complaint or criticism to an imagined personal affront in the turn of a phrase. When folks ignore his gossip mongering he progressively ups the ante by finding a new target, stealing a domain name, urging people to boycott an event or a publishing house and generally finding new ways to alienate members of the creative community from one another. The guy is relentless, and very accomplished as a disseminator of deception.

While Mr. X's actions may not rise to the level of libel, his words and deeds have certainly created an atmosphere of distrust, anger and divisiveness in the community he purports to serve. But the quandary persists: how should the rest of the creative folks protect themselves so that they might get on with their work without fear of a sneak attack from this online bully? This is no playground conflict that can be resolved by parents and teachers; this is real life, where there is no "authority" available to adjudicate, and people's personal and professional reputations are at stake.

I am not directly involved in this "scene", so it may be far too easy for me to offer some possible solutions. Nevertheless, and at the risk of sounding glib or patronizing, here are my ideas:

1) Become non-resistant. Do not pay Mr. X any attention. Let him do or say whatever he wants without responding. Bullies need victims, so take a lesson from Gandhi and don't give him anything to push against. In the words of the Borg, resistance is futile.

2) Kill him with kindness. Invite him with open arms to every event. Cheerfully attend the readings he organizes. If he invites you to read your work at his venue, graciously accept. Write nice things about him, his events, and his website. If he does something offensive, bite your tongue and smile.

3) Court him as your new best friend. Buy him dinner, take him to a ballgame, get him laid (if you can). After you have gained his trust, tactfully suggest that he seek therapeutic help.

4) If all else fails, take him to court. If you can find a lawyer who will take the case, sue him for libel and try shutting down his website. Murder isn't a viable option, but seeking censure is possible.

I believe that finding a way to be in relationship with truly vexing individuals is one of life's huge challenges. Every fiber of one's being wants to resist, to strike back when attacked and to defend oneself in every way possible. Unfortunately, those emotional responses nearly always backfire. I will grant that there are times when one must stand one's ground and fight like hell for what one believes or to protect the safety of loved ones. But when there are long-term consequences and when the options for escape are limited, more sophisticated strategies are called for. Sometimes the situation demands that we act out of our compassion and rationality rather than out of our animal instincts.



Addendum: This post is not specifically about the phenomenon known as "cyberbullying" but there are some good suggestions on strategies for dealing with online bullies HERE.

A Higher Standard? Israel, Palestine and the U.S.

This morning brought news that the recent Israeli military actions in the Gaza Strip have taken the lives of more than 500 Palestinians, many of them civilians. The rocket and mortar attacks launched by Hamas have killed a small handful of Israelis. In fact, the total number of civilian and Israeli Defense Forces deaths is less than 10. This includes the 3 IDF soldiers who were killed by so-called friendly fire yesterday.

Humanitarian NGOs are universally stating that the living conditions in Gaza are desperate and getting worse. Aid organizations, the United Nations, and the vast majority of governments around the world are condemning the actions of the Israeli government with regard to local access to clean water, sanitation, health care and food. The only government sitting on the sidelines is our own.

Let us leave politics out of this for a moment and examine this situation from a humanitarian perspective. Whatever the stated reasons, the notion that it is morally acceptable for any entity (person, ethnic group, government) to impose this level of death and destruction on any other entity is indefensible. The “scratch” doesn’t fit the “itch” in any way. While Hamas’ incessant lobbing of ordnance across the border cannot be defended, the Israeli government’s response is a wild and heinous over-reaction. The numbers don’t lie. Neither do the comparative living conditions in Gaza and southern Israel.

As an American and a Jew, I am appalled and enraged both by the actions of Israel and the business-as-usual attitude of the Bush administration. The silence of president-elect Obama is equally chilling. Whatever one’s stance regarding our national interests in the middle east may be, the simple fact is that these attacks on Gaza should be opposed by all who value human life and dignity.

The crisis has yet to reach the dimensions of Rwanda or Somalia or Bosnia, but the humanitarian implications of Israel’s actions are no different. Mr. Obama made a huge campaign issue out of his opposition to the war in Iraq. How this situation is any more defensible is beyond comprehension. Where are those brave words now?

The United States prides itself on the principles of democracy, equality and justice invoked by our constitution. We are supposed to hold ourselves to a higher standard of behavior. We are supposed to represent the civilized world. We are not a theocracy, we believe in the rule of law and in humanitarian principles. Have we learned nothing in the past 225 years? Have we no sense of history or decency or empathy? Does self-interested politics have to dominate all of our actions as a nation?

The Jewish people regard themselves as the “chosen people”. Our religion compels us to behave in a moral, just, and principled way. We have a long history of being oppressed and dispossessed. Have we learned nothing in the past 2000 years? Have we no compassion? Is everything allowed in the name of national defense?

What has happened to the higher standards we as Americans (and some of us as Jews) are supposed to uphold? To our shame, we have forgotten. We have allowed our insistence on the hegemony of political and economic power to override our sense of ethics. We have lost our belief in justice and equality. We have sunk so low as to accept that the imposition of our political agenda, no matter how corrupt, represents the greater good.

If these events make you feel sad, ashamed or just plain angry, then make your voice heard. Nothing can be done about the Present Occupant, but we might have a chance to influence the incoming administration. You can do all the usual stuff: write an editorial or op-ed, call your representatives in Washington, talk to your friends, blog. President-elect Obama, to his credit, has made it easy to submit ideas and critical comments HERE.

Let’s hold our government and ourselves to a higher standard.

Letting Myself Breathe

Every year around the middle of the holiday season I start to feel a vague anxiety grow. Another year is about to turn, its history made; there’s no turning back. As much as I try to avoid it, making a list of New Year’s resolutions feels almost inevitable. I don’t like the idea of becoming a living cliché by succombing to this impulse, but, as they say, resistance is futile.

In recent years I’ve tried to keep the resolutions succinct and pragmatic. I’ve also tried to avoid the imperious voice of doom – I MUST do this or that OR ELSE. That kind of self-admonishment has not worked and I doubt that strategy is ever going to have any success. So this year I’m going to give myself the gift of one suggestion only. Perhaps if I can remember this one idea some of the time I’ll have a little more ease in life than in the past. Its worth a shot, anyway.

In 2009 I am going to try to remember to let myself breathe. I hope to allow myself the occasional indulgence in a pause, a respite, a few seconds off for good behavior. Relaxation is a skill I’ve been rather slow to develop, but I imagine that a break once in awhile might have some benefits. A breath now and then might help lower my stress level; maybe I’d be a more patient person, a more grounded musician, a more effective teacher. If I can remember to take a periodic breather (literally) perhaps my life would improve in ways I can’t even begin to fathom.

I’m looking to ’09 for a little bit of peace that little pieces of inactivity might engender. I’m guessing that sporadic periods of doing nothing might greatly improve the majority of the time when I’m doing something. Is it possible that letting myself breathe (at least some of the time) might lead to more success, more life satisfaction, more (dare I say it?) happiness?

I’m willing to take that on as an experiment this year.

Auto Attack: When Good Cars Go Bad

Dios mio, dios mio, porque me has abandonado?
- attributed to J.C.

Whatever can go wrong, will go wrong.
- Murphy's Law

I must have done something terrible to piss off the patron saint of cars, if there is such a creature. Maybe I offended Michelinaeus, the Greek goddess of tires as well. Whatever it was, I must be working off some hellified "carma", because my relationship with my former automotive ally has turned very ugly of late.

Now, I drive a jalopy. There's just no way to sugar coat it. I pilot a '96 Plymouth Voyager with just under 157K on it. My pal Sarah tells me that I'm living on borrowed time with this thing, and I know she's right. And, as they say in Hollywood, she's had a little work done in recent years (the van, not Sarah). The upside is that I pay under $40 in monthly liability insurance and I haven't had to make car payments for several years. The downside is that sometimes I run into a spate of bad luck - like right now, for instance.

It all started a couple of weeks ago when I was on my merry way to a Labor Day picnic. Just after pulling out of my garage I heard a wicked whump from the rear end of the car. It sounded like I had just deposited the rump of the vehicle on the other side of a speed bump. I pulled over and saw that my right rear tire was not only flat but had come entirely off of the rim.

I whipped out a handy can of Fix A Flat, that nasty chemical crap in a can that will allegedly re-inflate a moribund tire. The tire was in such bad shape that the fluid came squirting out of the tire faster than I could pump it in there. So I put the old donut spare on and limped over to my local tire shop.

Then, less than a week later, after playing three gigs on a Sunday, automotive lightning struck twice in the same exact spot, which I thought was impossible. The same tire (actually the new replacement tire) was DOA in my parking spot. By now you know the drill: The Fix A Flat did absolutely nothing (except elicit an admonishment from my tire dude not to use it) and I had to throw the old spare back on there. When I was finished I looked like I had just stepped out of a coal mine.

I had the tire replaced (again) and was driving downtown the following afternoon when I heard a loud flappada-flappada sound coming from the front end of the car. Shit, I couldn't possibly have another flat, could I? I pulled onto the shoulder of the highway, got out and walked around the van. No tire damage. I started to drive back into traffic when I realized that my power steering had gone out. The sound I had heard must have been the belt snapping under the hood. (This would be the third time I've had broken belts in the last six months, possibly a new world record).

The next day I had to drop my daughter off at the el to get to school. Besides the upper body workout I was getting from steering manually everything seemed alright. I dropped her off and then made the fatal mistake of stopping at the bank before going back to the 'hood to drop off the car. I parked in the lot by my Chase branch, did my biz, and came back to discover that the car would not start...in that dead battery kind of way.

With great trepidation, I opened the hood and peered inside. Right away I saw that there were no belts of any kind attached to any of the pulleys. So I called the motor club and eventually got the car towed to my second home (aka the local mechanic). He was very surprised to see me back so soon after we had changed the belts. Something was causing this to keep happening, but it was unclear what it could be.

Fast forward another week or so. I took the car to my local Jiffy Lube for an overdue oil change. While they were working I noticed that the ever-present clacking noise in the engine had become significantly worse. I'd been so preoccupied with other maladies that I hadn't observed this change. Man, it was scary loud. I'd been told that I would sooner or later need the dreaded "ring job" because the noise was most likely an indication of an essentially worn out motor.

There comes a time in the life of every vehicle when enough is enough. The horrifying sound of the engine combined with its rusting body, leaking oil, dead AC and slipping transmission has convinced me that it is time to punt.

Next: New Car Blues

Obama Video Says it All

Are you the same or have you changed?

Almost Caught in the Web: Chinese Domain Name Scam

A few days ago I received a rather disturbing email about my jazz website, the full text of which appears below:

Dear CEO,
We are the department of registration service in China. we have something need to confirm with you. We formally received an application on Octomber 10, 2008, One company which self-styled "Tenderich Technologies Limited" are applying to register "playjazznow" as internet brand and CN domain names as below :

www.playjazznow.asia
www.playjazznow.cn
www.playjazznow.com.cn
www.playjazznow.com.hk
www.playjazznow.com.tw
www.playjazznow.hk
www.playjazznow.net.cn
www.playjazznow.org.cn
www.playjazznow.tw

After our initial examination, we found that the internet brand applied for registration are as same as your company's name and trademark. These days we are dealing with it, hope to get the affirmation from your company. If your company has not authorized the aforesaid company to register these, Please contact us as soon as possible.
In addition, we hereby affirm that our time limit for dissent application is ten days. If your company files no dissent within the time limit, we will unconditionally approve the application submitted by "Tenderich Technologies Limited".

Best Regards,
John Wang
Senior consultant

This very sincere sounding email turns out to be a scam; one which I almost fell for. I corresponded with "Mr. Wang" for a couple of days and discovered that the only way I could prevent my trademark from being essentially hijacked would be to purchase the domain names myself. The implication in the original email was that his company would not approve the application submitted by "Tenderich Technologies" if PlayJazzNow.com was in fact registered to me, which, of course, it is.

I started to get suspicious and decided to do a little googling to see if anyone else had any experience with this type of thing. I wound up at this blog, which had a nearly word for word replication of the message I'd received. This is one of the great things about the internet. I realized instantly that I was but one of many people who have been contacted in this manner by some allegedly Chinese company. This company, China Public Domain, does have a legitimate looking website. So perhaps this is a not so subtle marketing tool. When I tooled around the site I did notice that there aren't any prices listed for anything, among other oddities.

In the future I will be even more wary than I already was with regard to the effluvia that winds up in my inbox. I've known for a long time that if something sounds too good to be true it probably isn't. The same might be said for things that sound too dire to be true as well.

Rant: Guilty Until Proven Innocent

Warning: The content of this post may raise your blood pressure. The story told here is true. No names have been changed to protect anyone.



As someone who frequently works in downtown Chicago and has to schlep large instruments to and from my car, parking occupies a far-too-large space in my consciousness. For those who don't know, the first ten minutes of every gig is spent discussing where everyone parked and how much (if anything) each of us had to pay for the "privilege" of stashing a vehicle in the downtown area for a few hours. Often the most challenging aspect of my work is figuring out where to park and how to gain access to the venue in the most efficient allowable way. Strategies for parking in this town are as mulled over and discussed as presidential politics - actually more so, since there isn't a parking "season".

Sometimes mistakes are made. I put that in the passive tense not only to ridicule Ronald Reagan but also to soften the harsh reality that smacks one in the face when one's car gets towed by Streets and Sanitation. Yes, it happens, to some of us more frequently than others. I have been particularly unlucky in this regard, having somehow missed the "tow zone" signs too many times to count, usually because I'm in a hurry and (I'll admit) reluctant to give up the hunt for street parking and actually put my car in a parking lot. Perhaps it is my version of going on safari. Every once in awhile you get mauled by a lion, or a tow truck, as the case may be.

The tow truck drivers have been known to get a little over-zealous. My car has been forcibly removed from several spots unjustifiably. And whenever you get towed, it's the double whammy: you get a parking ticket ($50-75, depending on the type of alleged violation) AND you have to pay $160 for the tow. Then there's the ignominious task of going down into the bowels of hell to retrieve your vehicle from the auto pound.

But the important point here is that when you get towed you are presumed guilty until proven innocent. It is up to the driver to prove that he was NOT in violation of the law. You are slammed with a fine before you even have a chance to make a phone call, let alone have your day in court. It is no secret that collecting parking fines and towing fees is a major source of revenue for the city; so the chances of getting actual justice in these instances is slim to nil.

About ten days ago I was parked on a downtown street early in the morning. I'd carefully observed the posted signs and had put my car in a loading zone: no parking 8 AM to 6 PM. I returned to the spot at 7:50 to discover that my car was gone, no doubt having been glommed by Attila the Tow Man. Within an hour I was down in Dante's Inferno negotiating all the paperwork needed to reunite me with my old minivan and, of course, forking over $160.

The vehicle had been towed in violation of a "No parking 7-9 AM" regulation that supposedly applies to the street where I had parked. Only... there are NO signs stating that anywhere on that block. I was pretty sure of this but I decided to go back with my digital camera to take a batch of pictures that I could use as evidence to support my case. Friends, there really aren't any posted warnings that one might be towed between 7 and 9 AM. I took photos of the actual spot, and the immediate area surrounding the spot, as well as close-ups of the signs and the address.

For added irony, on the day of my hearing I had parked at a meter and was 5 minutes late getting back to that spot, having paid for 2 hours of parking. As I approached the car I saw both Rita the Meter Maid and the little gift she had left for me on the windshield. Ah, what's another $50 at this point? I drove to the City of Chicago Parking Violations Bureau, or whatever the hell its called, paid to park in a lot (which distressed me to no end) and sat myself down in the dreary hearing room waiting for my case to be called.

It turns out that you don't get your case heard by an actual judge. The guy making the call is an attorney contracted by the city to take care of its parking dirty work. I found him to be a small-minded toady, like a character from a David Mamet play. Captain Bringdown informed me that this hearing is just about the towing; dealing with the $60 ticket is a whole separate matter, which I could pursue on another day if I so chose. He found my evidence irrelevant because, get this, I didn't have photos of the entire block showing that there are no signs regarding the 7-9 AM restrictions. The photos only showed that I was not in violation of the loading zone, not the more global (and invisible) regulations.

Needless to say, I was fit to be tied. The only way to appeal this decision is to file a civil suit against the city, which would eat up who knows how much time require me to pay filing fees. I might even have to hire an attorney. So the deck is stacked entirely against the driver, even if he has truly not violated the law. I plan to pursue a defense against the ticket itself, more on the principal of the thing rather than to save the money. I am presently armed with photos of the entire block; up, down and sideways, plus the aerial views.

Have I mentioned that I hate everything having to do with parking downtown?